The Baby Blues

I have them.

Bad.

You would think that working directly with tons of women who just gave birth and their always adorable new born bundles for the past four in a half months would make me immune to these feelings but nooooo. It's weird too because nothing about my job makes me sad (other than when drugged out momma's make drugged out babies).

But seeing the babies make me happy, not sad. And seeing the proud momma's and daddy's makes my heart melt into a giant puddle instead of filling me with envy. I wont lie and say I don't daydream about the day it's finally us being wheeled up to my floor with our very own little person wrapped snuggly in my arms. It's just that those daydreams are filled with happy, not these crummy blues I have going on right now.

My faith is still as strong as ever, I am just a little sad it hasn't happened for us yet. Patience has never been a strong attribute of mine but I am certainly learning that it's going to be a role I have to play.

Now quick, someone show me a picture of a cute baby so I remember why I am going through all of this to begin with!

Remembrance

A year ago today we lit a candle and remembered the loss of our first pregnancy. Tonight we will add two more.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight at 7:00pm we light our candles and remember our losses. Those losses are often difficult to think about but were such an important part of our journey and each will always hold a special place in our hearts.

We never held those babies. Never felt them kick. My belly never grew. We don't know if they were boys or girls. They didn't have names or even heartbeats. So many people don't understand the emotions attached to such a loss. To someone you never really knew. But each one represented a future. We daydreamed about life with a baby. a child. a teenager. We changed our lives to make way for them. We worked hard to be able to provide for them. We picked out names and nursery colors. Because for most people, a pregnancy results in a baby nine months later.

Tonight we remember those dreams. Those hopes. Those plans. Those lives. But we do so with a smile because we know our time to be parents will come. And those little lives will never be forgotten. They helped us on our journey, changed our lives and our way of thinking and feeling. When we finally do hold our first baby in our arms we will be that much more grateful. Because of them.

To those of you who are lighting candles of your own tonight, know that you are in our thoughts. Stay strong.

Really?!

So, in addition to all of the lovely things already going on with my body right now, I got some sort of food poisoning last night.

In the words of Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers, "REALLY!?!"

A terrible feeling in my stomach (you know, right above where all of the other terrible feelings in body currently reside) and some totally awesome night sweats woke me up at 4am. That was followed by dry heaving and lots of chunks (you are welcome for the visual). Luckily the hubs is my very own personal superman and quickly provided me with a hair clip, tissues, and glass of water. Honestly, he deserves some type of medal.

Miscarriage and food poisoning, really?! Looks like today calls for some serious retail therapy. And since I am stuck on the couch, online shopping will have to do. If you need me I will be over at Athropologie.com, "just looking" if the hubs asks.

We're Back

Well, we made it home! And I would really love to tell you all about our awesome vacation, because it was really fun and I have some great pictures to share but I just can't do that right now. I am not in the right frame of mind to share fun stories and cute pictures, I just wouldn't do it justice.

I am confined to the couch yet again, in physical pain and, what seems like, unending heartache. Last night, following our last dinner on the cruise boat, began our third miscarriage. I found out a couple days before leaving for our cruise that we were pregnant again. We hadn't told anyone yet and weren't planning to do so until after our first ultrasound but once again, we didn't quite make it that far.

It just doesn't seem fair and I definitely don't understand it but here we are. Discussions of testing have already begun but we haven't decided on anything yet. We're not even sure if we could afford the necessary testing (that stuff is expensive!).

I am in a bit of a daze right now. Sorry for the scattered thoughts. We are keeping our heads up and staying positive for the fourth time around. They say third is the one with the hairy chest anyway right? We wouldn't want that.

Favorite things from our cruise and a more positive outlook coming soon. But for now, keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we battle yet another loss. Let it be our last.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Most likely you know someone who is struggling with infertility or perhaps you yourself are struggling with it. The simple fact is that one in eight people are affected by it.

Before our first pregnancy (and subsequently our first loss) I knew very little about how common infertility and pregnancy loss was. It's not something anyone had ever really talked openly about with me. I knew that my mom had a miscarriage before having me but that was the extent of my knowledge. After our first miscarriage people were coming out of the woodwork with their own stories of loss and struggles to conceive. I was amazed at how many people in my life struggled with infertility and I was completely unaware of it until I myself was a member of the "miscarriage club".

It's not something people openly talk about. I wish that wasn't the case though. Going into our first pregnancy I thought my ute was invincible. There was never a concern for miscarriage because I was uninformed and naive. I knew my odds the second time around and although it doesn't help a whole lot with the pain of a loss, at least I knew it could happen.

Something I hear a lot of lately is "At least you can get pregnant, many couples struggle for years with that alone". While I realize that those people are trying to be reassuring and a little part of me feels relieved that we can indeed "get pregnant" the majority of me struggles with what is worse: the inability to conceive a child or the inability to carry one full term? Sure, we can conceive but will that ever lead to the birth of a child? Will we only face loss after loss? The truth is, at this point, we just don't know.

Dealing with the emotions of miscarriage are difficult but I do not mind talking about it. Many friends who are not yet ready to try to conceive but will eventually have questions and concerns for their own fertility and I am happy to do what I can to inform them and share our stories. I also have those in my life that can't seem to find the words to talk to me about it. Some pretended the first miscarriage never happened and just never mentioned the pregnancy itself or the loss. Others said all the wrong things, although I do not blame them, it just shows their lack of knowledge on the subject. I would rather them say anything than nothing at all. That's what hurt the most. I never want to pretend it never happened. I grieved for those losses, they shaped me and our relationship, I have not lost hope but I will never forget them.

I stumbled across another blog that I want to share with everyone. Its title says it all "Infertility Communications 101". If you know anyone struggling with infertility please read this. Even if you don't know anyone struggling with it now, chances are you will come across someone eventually so read this anyway.

Results

It's not like I really needed to hear the results of my blood work to get an answer. I knew on Sunday night for sure that I had officially miscarried, my body doesn't lie. Just as I knew 2 weeks before a positive test that I was pregnant, I knew days before my blood work results that I no longer was. It was as if someone turned a switch and all of a sudden I was no longer in pain, cramping, uncomfortable, or bleeding. I could once again stretch my legs and walk without feeling as though I would pass out. But saying goodbye to those unpleasant feelings also meant leaving behind all of my pregnancy symptoms.

Just like that... another angel in heaven.

I got a phone call on Wednesday from the doctors office to confirm what I had already come to terms with by that point. My hcg levels had dropped to 13 but I have to go in for even more blood work on Tuesday. I'm assuming that they want to make sure my levels go back down to zero. I decided to also schedule a "counseling" meeting with my doctor at that time to talk about everything, see if they can give us any answers as to why I miscarried again and also find out when we can start trying again.

The emotion of it all is finally catching up to me now that I'm no longer worried about possible health problems. It is difficult and sad but I have to pull it together so I will be ready to try again when the doctor gives us the green light. I know everything will work out in the end and we will have the family we have been dreaming of, it's just a matter of when.

The Waiting Game...

(A little warning: this post may be TMI. slightly graphic. detailed. sad. long.)

At 4:30pm yesterday I experienced some bleeding. It wasn't horrible or excessive but it was bright red and I knew that wasn't good. I was scared but I managed to stay collected enough to call the doctor. I've read enough pregnancy books, blogs, websites, etc. to know that some bleeding can be completely normal and there could be a million different reasons for it. I told myself that very thing over and over again as I patiently held for what seemed like an eternity to speak to a nurse. She asked me a few questions (questions that I've seemed to answer hundreds of times over again since that call) and she seemed to be pleased with my answers: no pain, only slight cramps, no nausea, no clots or tissue. She moved up and relocated my already scheduled appointment for the next day and made sure for it to include an ultra sound. I breathed a slight sigh of relief, just talking to the nurse and hearing her state of calm relaxed me a little. I called my husband a few times but he was away from his phone, I started panicking a little at this point but told myself that I needed to stay calm for the baby, getting upset would only make things worse.

Then it happened again. More blood. In the toilet. on my underwear. on the toilet paper. everywhere. Still not the massive amount that I envisioned occurring during a miscarriage but enough for me to know that this could not wait until my scheduled appointment the next morning. This is where I broke down. I cried, I screamed, I freaked out. After many phone calls and panicked texts, Kevin made it home in one piece and helped me get ready for our trip to the emergency room. At this point the bleeding was off and on with some dry moments in between.

We arrived at the ER a little after 7pm thanks to traffic. I wasn't really in a huge hurry, I knew that nothing could be done to stop this if it was a miscarriage and that was my biggest concern. I again answered a few questions and then the waiting game started. We waited for a room. More bleeding as we waited. After we made it to a room, we waited for a doctor. Once the doctor finally made her way to us, she took me away for an exam. More bleeding during the exam. The exam was normal, only proving that nothing other than what I came in for was wrong. A not so pleasant small catheter was entered to receive a urine sample, since I was bleeding they needed to get a sample that was tainted.

Back to the room I went and the waiting commenced. They needed to confirm the pregnancy with the urine test and when that came back positive they ordered blood work and took me for an ultrasound. Thank goodness Kevin was able to come along this time.

The ultrasound showed nothing. No sack, no baby. This was explained to us to mean one of three things: 1)I have already miscarried 2)I am not far along enough for anything to be visible 3) I have an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the baby is somewhere other than in my uterus where it belongs (this is the most dangerous of the options and the one we hope the most that it isn't).

After more waiting the blood work came back to show that my hcg levels were at 57. Not normal for a pregnancy that showed a positive test result two weeks ago. Our three scenarios haven't changed. I was sent home and told to keep my appoint with my normal GYN the next day as a follow up.

We didn't make it home until sometime after midnight. And began more of our never ending waiting.

The doctors appointment this morning went about as we expected. They asked the same questions, did the same exam, and presented us with the same predicament. There is no way of knowing right now. The only way to know for sure is to order more blood work (I go in on Monday for that) and to compare my hcg levels. If they are higher then we do another ultrasound (scheduled for Friday) to confirm a normal or ectopic pregnancy. If they are lower (which is most likely the case) than that means I have miscarried. The bleeding has yet to stop and seems to happening more frequently.

It's hard to hold any sort of hope, and I don't know that we should. All signs point to a miscarriage, as much as I would like it to be otherwise. It's tragic. I hate it. There is nothing to do but wait... I will keep everyone updated. Please keep us in your prays. This will be a difficult weekend to get through but we will get through it... we always do.