You're Super!

Remember that little bit in my last post when I mentioned something about workout videos and biking? And how I was going to start doing those things? Well it's possible that instead of doing those workout videos, I sat on the couch watching America's Next Top Model. And that whole biking thing? It may have been replaced with half a box of thin mints and a nice cold glass of milk (hey, at least is was skim right?).... oops.

The hardest part about getting into a workout routine after doing absolutely nothing for almost two months, is getting started. Once I establish a routine I'm good to go but getting to that point is something I always struggle with. So I decided to seek out some inspiration to help get myself on track. Who do you go to for inspiration regarding any kind of workout?

Duh, who else?

See he even thinks I'm super, he's already inspiring me! I mean if that face right there doesn't make you want to jump up from the couch and pop in that workout video than I don't know what will.

Hopefully Richard here will get me on the right course to my new workout regimen. Starting today, of course. I will leave you all with an encouraging quote from Mr. Simmons himself:

"I've been going to shopping malls since I was on General Hospital"

oh wait, wrong quote (he just has so many insightful ones).

let me try again:

"Energy is that amazing feeling that comes to life inside of you when you're happy and believe in yourself"

What's that you say?

You see something new on my blog? Oh it's a countdown huh? I wonder what that could be for...

OUR FIRST EVER CRUISE! My mom decided that the best way to celebrate my dads birthday this year is to go on a family cruise. We leave July 18th (daddy's birthday is the 19th) and we come back on the 22nd. None of us have ever been on a cruise so the packing situation should be interesting, considering I will probably try to bring everything I own "just in case" and since no one else has been on a cruise, they wont be able to object ;).

My skin is almost iridescent at this point so you can imagine how much I am looking forward to being in the sun for four days straight! And the all you can eat/free room service sounds incredible! Even if it means I come back two sizes bigger, it's worth it!

Although I am completely prepared to gain some weight on the cruise, I am not too happy with the weight I have been gaining post-miscarriage. In order to prepare for the cruise (being in a bathing suit for 4 days worth of pictures) I am going to attempt to get back in shape. I finally got the boot off of my foot but I don't think I'm ready to start my running regimen yet so I'm going to try biking and workout videos... oh, and no more soda (which is tough for me!). I'll keep you updated on how that goes.

We are all looking forward to this cruise, a break from the everyday routine, relaxation, sun, uninterrupted time together, plan and simple fun! But this cruise is also symbolic for the hubs and I. When we get back home, we will start trying to conceive again! We decided to listen to the doctor and wait the recommended 3 months and then we are going to add one more month to the wait because my best friend is getting married in March and asked me to be her Matron of Honor and I would prefer not to give birth on that very same day. I don't care if I am busting out of my bridesmaid dress, as long as I can be there for her on her special day.

I am more excited than nervous about trying to conceive again and I hope it stays that way. Third times a charm right?

National Infertility Awareness Week

Most likely you know someone who is struggling with infertility or perhaps you yourself are struggling with it. The simple fact is that one in eight people are affected by it.

Before our first pregnancy (and subsequently our first loss) I knew very little about how common infertility and pregnancy loss was. It's not something anyone had ever really talked openly about with me. I knew that my mom had a miscarriage before having me but that was the extent of my knowledge. After our first miscarriage people were coming out of the woodwork with their own stories of loss and struggles to conceive. I was amazed at how many people in my life struggled with infertility and I was completely unaware of it until I myself was a member of the "miscarriage club".

It's not something people openly talk about. I wish that wasn't the case though. Going into our first pregnancy I thought my ute was invincible. There was never a concern for miscarriage because I was uninformed and naive. I knew my odds the second time around and although it doesn't help a whole lot with the pain of a loss, at least I knew it could happen.

Something I hear a lot of lately is "At least you can get pregnant, many couples struggle for years with that alone". While I realize that those people are trying to be reassuring and a little part of me feels relieved that we can indeed "get pregnant" the majority of me struggles with what is worse: the inability to conceive a child or the inability to carry one full term? Sure, we can conceive but will that ever lead to the birth of a child? Will we only face loss after loss? The truth is, at this point, we just don't know.

Dealing with the emotions of miscarriage are difficult but I do not mind talking about it. Many friends who are not yet ready to try to conceive but will eventually have questions and concerns for their own fertility and I am happy to do what I can to inform them and share our stories. I also have those in my life that can't seem to find the words to talk to me about it. Some pretended the first miscarriage never happened and just never mentioned the pregnancy itself or the loss. Others said all the wrong things, although I do not blame them, it just shows their lack of knowledge on the subject. I would rather them say anything than nothing at all. That's what hurt the most. I never want to pretend it never happened. I grieved for those losses, they shaped me and our relationship, I have not lost hope but I will never forget them.

I stumbled across another blog that I want to share with everyone. Its title says it all "Infertility Communications 101". If you know anyone struggling with infertility please read this. Even if you don't know anyone struggling with it now, chances are you will come across someone eventually so read this anyway.

Life as a homeowner

All it took was one trip to Ikea and we now have about 1,000 projects to do around the house. And of course, with each project we do we destroy another room in the process... Ikea is evil (but in the best way).

Project #1: The Laundry Room

When we moved into our house we repainted most of the rooms and gave some much needed TLC to the ones we didn't paint. We spent months decorating and making each room of the house a reflection of us. Except for the laundry room. We neglected it, didn't touch a single thing, not a drop of paint or sweat went into that poor room. It had white, marked, scratched walls, white wire shelves that the previous owners hadn't cleaned in 10 years or so, and ugly linoleum floors.

We thought there was no reason to pay any attention to it, it's just a laundry room, we're hardly ever going to be in there. Wrong. It is the first room we walk into every single time we come home (it's connected to the garage), it's where I spend a lot of time doing laundry, it's where we feed the pups twice a day. I finally decided it needed some lovin' too. I wish I took before pictures but I was so excited to get started that I didn't think of it until the shelves were down and the room was empty.

A little bit of paint, some new shelves & accessories, and lots of love later:

I realize I just wrote an entire post about my laundry room but I can't help it, I just love our house! There will probably be many more posts about it too.

Next project (already in progress): The front yard

Dear Aunt Flo,

Your arrival is much anticipated in our household right now, although I see no sign of your visit happening any time soon. I realize we do not have the best relationship and I am typically not too thrilled to see you but I promise you this time I will jump with joy. Hope to be graced with your presence soon.

Sincerely,

Your extremely impatient friend

Strength

"Where does your strength come from? What motivates you to get through the hard times, to keep on smiling, to confront your fears, just to wake up every morning and face the day?"

It feels like I am constantly being asked these questions. Whether they are talking about the miscarriages or losing my dad or dealing with it at the same time, my answer is always the same: How can you not? What is my other option really? You face each day because you have to, life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not. That is just the way it is. Of course, I suppose that not everyone choses to do so with a smile on their face or with a positive outlook but I can't imagine doing it any other way.

So where does my strength come from? Why still smiling? I don't have a short, simple answer so bear with me as I dig deep here...

My Dad

He is my voice of reason and encouragement. When I'm not sure what to do (dealing my "aunt", work, how to help my brother, etc.) I try to imagine what my dad would say to me. When I do this, it's like a beacon of light shinning on the right thing to do and I often wonder how I missed it to begin with.

When it comes to anything physical, he has always been where I have gone to for encouragement. Through every sport I've tried (and there have been many) he was always there to cheer me on and help me improve. That hasn't changed just because he's gone. I decided to take up running, at first just to stay in shape but it quickly led to something more. I had never in more than a mile in my life but decided to sign myself up for a half marathon. Getting past that first mile was tough and I wanted to quit already but as I ran I swear I could hear my dad cheering me on. And when I crossed that finish line, having run all 13.1 miles, I could feel his pride in me.

His memory drives me to do things I never even imagined for myself. I smile every single day because I know he is watching down on me and would hate to see me hurting. Kind of ironic how my biggest pillar of strength is also the one that causes most of my weakness, don't you think? Which brings me to my next pillar of strength...

My Brother

I have never met a stronger young man. I could go on for days about the amazing person he is and is becoming. Sometimes I gather strength by seeing his. Other times I gather strength to give to him. I want to show him that you can be strong and cry at the same time. I want him to know that it's ok to laugh and to smile when we talk about our dad. I want him to be ok, I want him to be more than ok. I want to show him that the good times outweigh the bad and to know that even though bad things happen, we survive. I want him to be able to lean on me when he feels like things are falling apart and I want show him the happiness in everything. I want to be an example for him and that means facing my fears and facing the days ahead.

My Husband

Much like my dad, his strength gives me strength. Knowing that I have him on my side no matter what life decides to throw at me makes me feel invincible. I never have to face anything alone. He lends me his strength when I have forgotten how to gather my own and pushes me forward when I feel like there is nothing to push for. His love gives me a reason to wake up every morning.

Strength is a funny thing. Even writing about it brings tears. I strongly encourage everyone to think about what gives them their strength and I ask you all to keep a smile on your face because you never know who might be drawing strength from you.

Luck (or lack thereof)

Statistics show that 1 out of every 5 first pregnancies will result in miscarriage. If you are unfortunate enough to be that "1" than your odds for a successful pregnancy the next time around increase. Only 1 out of every 25 pregnancies after 1 miscarriage will result in another one. And if you are that "1" then you are... what? unlucky?

It's really no surprise to me that our consecutive miscarriages are being described as what seems to be "bad luck". This isn't me being a Debbie Downer, this is me just stating the obvious: I typically don't have the best of luck. And you know what? I don't mind it being a case of bad luck because it totally beats the alternative, which would mean that something was wrong with either the hubs or I and we would continue to miscarry. Yeah, I'll take the bad luck.

After discussing our options with the doctor we have all come to the same conclusion: We will try again, naturally. We have no problem getting pregnant, it's just staying pregnant that gives us some trouble. Sure there are tests that can be done (very expensive and extensive ones) but since our miscarriages were so different the doctor doesn't think those tests are necessary at this point. There doesn't appear to be anything in my body causing these miscarriages, just random chromosomal mishaps.

So in a couple of months, once my body has fully recovered, we will start this journey again. We are ready for anything that life throws our way and will continue to keep our spirits up. Keep us in your prayers :)

Power of positivity

Let's just say that lately I haven't exactly been the best role model when it comes to positive thinking. In fact, some may go as far as saying that I have been the complete opposite. I will admit that my spirits have been broken and my usual "always happy, let's make nice, smiley"-self has been hidden under a layer or two of sadness with a little bit of bitterness sprinkled on top. Well I have finally reached my breaking point and decided that I have had enough!

After a cry fest caused by the puppies today (completely ridiculous, I know) I realized that this new attitude has taken over my life and my personality and I really do not like it. I refuse to stand on the sidelines and watch as it alienates me from my friends, causes me to be unpleasant to my super supportive husband, and allows me to eat oreos for breakfast and ice cream sandwiches for lunch (not too bad for a day but 2 weeks? not cool). So I have decided to fight back. I know that I am in control of my own happiness and I am now prepared to take back the reigns.

It takes a lot of effort right now and I have to constantly remind myself to stay positive and not get frustrated or stressed out by silly, uncontrollable things. But it will get easier. This way of thinking will come back to me, I just have to retrain my mind a little bit. It's already working too, I can feel the stress that has been building up in my chest slowly start chipping away with each happy thought.

I am moving in the right direction and I am giving it all I've got.

The best kind of therapy

I know that everyone has been pretty worried about me lately, and rightfully so considering I didn't leave the couch for over a week... to be honest I'm surprised I even made it to the couch considering I really didn't even want to get out of bed. After a few attempts to get me out of the house (shopping with the bestie, dinner and a movie with the hubby) I still felt awful. And then, as if magic, it all changed. Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly sad and heartbroken but at least now there is a little more happy mixed in there as well.

You're looking at the newest addition to our little family: Wentworth Danger Kuhlman! He is a handful but that works great for me right now. I actually had to wake up at 7am this morning! And even though it was because I had to bath our poop-covered pup, it was nice having some responsibility and a reason to get my lazy butt out of bed and do something useful! Surprised that I was excited to wake up early and clean up poop? Yeah, me too.

His big bro, Boomer, isn't quite sure what to think of the little guy but I love watching them try to figure each other out. Wentworth loves chasing Boomer, attacking his tail, stealing his toys, and majorly invading his personal space. Boom has been hiding from Went and sniffing/drooling all over him every time he naps.

I have even managed to take both dogs out on leashes, with my broken foot and all. It may have been a huge struggle but I've got it under control for the most part. ^^Look at that happy family!

I'll post either tomorrow or Wednesday about my doctors appointment that I have tomorrow. Keep us in you prayers that we hear some good news about future pregnancies! We're ready to start trying again so hopefully the doc gives us his approval to get started :)

Results

It's not like I really needed to hear the results of my blood work to get an answer. I knew on Sunday night for sure that I had officially miscarried, my body doesn't lie. Just as I knew 2 weeks before a positive test that I was pregnant, I knew days before my blood work results that I no longer was. It was as if someone turned a switch and all of a sudden I was no longer in pain, cramping, uncomfortable, or bleeding. I could once again stretch my legs and walk without feeling as though I would pass out. But saying goodbye to those unpleasant feelings also meant leaving behind all of my pregnancy symptoms.

Just like that... another angel in heaven.

I got a phone call on Wednesday from the doctors office to confirm what I had already come to terms with by that point. My hcg levels had dropped to 13 but I have to go in for even more blood work on Tuesday. I'm assuming that they want to make sure my levels go back down to zero. I decided to also schedule a "counseling" meeting with my doctor at that time to talk about everything, see if they can give us any answers as to why I miscarried again and also find out when we can start trying again.

The emotion of it all is finally catching up to me now that I'm no longer worried about possible health problems. It is difficult and sad but I have to pull it together so I will be ready to try again when the doctor gives us the green light. I know everything will work out in the end and we will have the family we have been dreaming of, it's just a matter of when.

The Waiting Game...

(A little warning: this post may be TMI. slightly graphic. detailed. sad. long.)

At 4:30pm yesterday I experienced some bleeding. It wasn't horrible or excessive but it was bright red and I knew that wasn't good. I was scared but I managed to stay collected enough to call the doctor. I've read enough pregnancy books, blogs, websites, etc. to know that some bleeding can be completely normal and there could be a million different reasons for it. I told myself that very thing over and over again as I patiently held for what seemed like an eternity to speak to a nurse. She asked me a few questions (questions that I've seemed to answer hundreds of times over again since that call) and she seemed to be pleased with my answers: no pain, only slight cramps, no nausea, no clots or tissue. She moved up and relocated my already scheduled appointment for the next day and made sure for it to include an ultra sound. I breathed a slight sigh of relief, just talking to the nurse and hearing her state of calm relaxed me a little. I called my husband a few times but he was away from his phone, I started panicking a little at this point but told myself that I needed to stay calm for the baby, getting upset would only make things worse.

Then it happened again. More blood. In the toilet. on my underwear. on the toilet paper. everywhere. Still not the massive amount that I envisioned occurring during a miscarriage but enough for me to know that this could not wait until my scheduled appointment the next morning. This is where I broke down. I cried, I screamed, I freaked out. After many phone calls and panicked texts, Kevin made it home in one piece and helped me get ready for our trip to the emergency room. At this point the bleeding was off and on with some dry moments in between.

We arrived at the ER a little after 7pm thanks to traffic. I wasn't really in a huge hurry, I knew that nothing could be done to stop this if it was a miscarriage and that was my biggest concern. I again answered a few questions and then the waiting game started. We waited for a room. More bleeding as we waited. After we made it to a room, we waited for a doctor. Once the doctor finally made her way to us, she took me away for an exam. More bleeding during the exam. The exam was normal, only proving that nothing other than what I came in for was wrong. A not so pleasant small catheter was entered to receive a urine sample, since I was bleeding they needed to get a sample that was tainted.

Back to the room I went and the waiting commenced. They needed to confirm the pregnancy with the urine test and when that came back positive they ordered blood work and took me for an ultrasound. Thank goodness Kevin was able to come along this time.

The ultrasound showed nothing. No sack, no baby. This was explained to us to mean one of three things: 1)I have already miscarried 2)I am not far along enough for anything to be visible 3) I have an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the baby is somewhere other than in my uterus where it belongs (this is the most dangerous of the options and the one we hope the most that it isn't).

After more waiting the blood work came back to show that my hcg levels were at 57. Not normal for a pregnancy that showed a positive test result two weeks ago. Our three scenarios haven't changed. I was sent home and told to keep my appoint with my normal GYN the next day as a follow up.

We didn't make it home until sometime after midnight. And began more of our never ending waiting.

The doctors appointment this morning went about as we expected. They asked the same questions, did the same exam, and presented us with the same predicament. There is no way of knowing right now. The only way to know for sure is to order more blood work (I go in on Monday for that) and to compare my hcg levels. If they are higher then we do another ultrasound (scheduled for Friday) to confirm a normal or ectopic pregnancy. If they are lower (which is most likely the case) than that means I have miscarried. The bleeding has yet to stop and seems to happening more frequently.

It's hard to hold any sort of hope, and I don't know that we should. All signs point to a miscarriage, as much as I would like it to be otherwise. It's tragic. I hate it. There is nothing to do but wait... I will keep everyone updated. Please keep us in your prays. This will be a difficult weekend to get through but we will get through it... we always do.